Men, Go to War for Your Marriage

Why was the man twisting his wedding ring on his finger?

He was trying to figure out the combination.

Men, have you ever felt like you didn’t know the combination to a happy marriage? Is something missing? Are you looking for a key, a combination, three steps to better matrimony? Well, sorry, I don’t have any of those things. What I have is a high and hard calling from God. It has clear directions but every step may be a battle, often daily. But the reward is everything you may be looking for in marriage. I want to be very clear and honest up front though, this will only work if you are trying to walk with Jesus. You must know Him and understand Him and His love for you if you are going to apply His direction for your marriage. This is something I have tried to drill, beat, lecture and drive into my daughters minds since they were little. I have always told them to look for a man that loves Jesus, that really knows Him and knows what He says through His bible. Only then will that man know how to love you right. I hope you want to be this kind of man, I do, not only as an example for my girls but also as a husband for my wife.

This is going to offend a lot of men, and not just the ones who drive a Prius, wear skinny jeans and have a man bun, but the ones who drive giant trucks, love football and go hunting too. So whichever category you lean toward make sure the path to your safe space is clear or your mommy is on speed dial. I am an equal opportunity offender. To be honest the things we are about to look at offend me too. They offend the part of me that wants to do the things I like to do, the part that thinks I deserve respect or recognition, the part that wants to be tough and in control. In short, the part that feels natural and wants to say what Popeye used to say, “I am what I am, and that’s all that I am”. Well, that’s the problem. Guys, we are called to be so much more than just the way we are. Especially in our marriages. As a matter of fact if you don’t change and grow your marriage will be miserable and mostly likely end poorly. I have known more than one couple who entered marriage and tried to stay the way they were while single, even to the point of keeping separate bank accounts, separate friend groups, separate careers and eventually it led to separation and divorce. Last week we found that God desires our marriages to be a picture of unity and a reflection of His love for the church. This is far more that a soft “God is love” so we we should love our wives perspective. This is war. War against ourselves, our egos and our desires. This is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done. But the reward is is actually all of the things we are looking for. The reward is fulfillment, contentment, belonging, and a love that is deeper than just our emotional or physical notion of what love is. Let’s look at the call and command to men in marriage.

In Ephesians 5:22-33 we read, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord….” there it is, that’s enough right? The key to a happy home? Just find a submissive, easy going girl, and if she is pretty that will help too. But, that is not where the story ends, far from it.

Too often the first sentence of this passage is used to try convince women to be subservient in marriage, to perform under a man’s rule. Their lack of submission is often cited as the cause of a quarrelsome house or an unhappy home. The truth is, a quarrelsome wife, an un-submissive wife, an argumentative wife, a bitter wife, or a domineering wife is terrible to live with. However, in most cases we, men, are to blame. We never take the time to explore the other verses that come after “Wives Submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” In neglecting those verses we ignore our high calling in marriage and we miss our clear instruction on how to love our wives correctly so that they would be willing to submit to us. Instead we continue to bully our way through life and marriage, when actually we are called to die and give up everything for her. I think we should take some time to explore that now.

Let’s look at the whole thing, this time I am going to underline the parts addressed to us men and we will look at the application of what we are told to do.

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:22-33 ESV

Uhm. Just by looking, not even reading, we can see that there is more here addressed to husbands, than to wives. That in itself must mean something, even if it just means that we are hard headed and need things spelled out clearly for us. Let’s pull it apart.

For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. (verse 23)

At the start it may seem like an affirmation of our leadership of the house, but look at the end, it tells us what type of leader we should be, “and is himself its Savior.”

The Miriam Dictionary defines savior as one who saves from danger or destruction. Okay, that’s not to bad you think, I definitely would protect my wife from danger or destruction if she was threatened. The problem is that the definition of savior in the biblical text is not just protecting from physical, monetary or emotional threats. Savior in Greek, sōtḗr, and the act of saving or salvation, sōtḗrion, have the meaning of being rescued from destruction and brought into divine safety. There is a definite spiritual component to us being a proper type of savior in our homes. Put simply, we are responsible for the spiritual condition of the home. To be very clear, we are not the savior of our wife that grants her forgiveness and eternity with God. We are, however, to guide and point and lead her to Him, Jesus, our Savior, as we follow Him. Let’s continue and see how we do that.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.  (verses 25-27)

Here is where the battle really begins. What does it say that Christ did for us? He gave himself up. I could probably spend a month writing in detail about what Christ gave up for us but let’s take a look at some examples from His life and ask ourselves some hard questions. The first thing I want to point out is that Jesus did what He did for us before we ever even knew of our need for Him, before we “got better”, before we cleaned up our living, before we recognized our distance from God. Romans 5:8 tells us “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us”.  What does that mean for you and me in marriage as we try and follow Christ? Glad you asked. It means that you and I need to move first. DO not sit around and wait for your wife to change. If things are bad now, if they are not the way you imagined or even if you are not married yet, you need to move first, to change your behavior first. If you are going to protect and save your marriage, you better be on the front lines. If you begin to implement these lessons, if you serve her, if you give up yourself first, she will follow. So, however things are right now, commit to being the husband you need to be for her first. Don’t worry about her behavior, her level of respect or her level of submissiveness. Change what you can control, yourself.

Next, what did Christ give up? What do you need to give up?  We are told that Jesus emptied himself, that though He had the full deity of God, He set it aside to become a servant of the very thing He created! This is so much more than the CEO of a company being willing to mop the floors, but it is that same process of thought. He had all power, all authority, He could have commanded obedience and submissiveness, but He did not. “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Philippians 2:4-8. Guess what? You do not get to tell your wife to be submissive. You do not get to be commanding or domineering. Not if you follow Jesus. You get to clean the floors, do the dishes, mow the lawn, take care of honey do lists, and bring her coffee. You get to serve, apparently, even if it kills you, which it might if you are like a man I heard about. He told me “My wife kept on hinting that I should mow the lawn. For some reason, something always came between me and it, like email, the car, the truck, fishing. So one day I came home to find that my wife had found a workaround to the situation. I found her seated in the tall grass with a small pair of scissors, snipping away at the tall blades. After watching her briefly, I went into the house. Shortly after I came out again and handed her a toothbrush while I said:

'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.” The doctors said he will walk again, but he will always have a limp.

This is the war, you need to shift your focus from your needs, from your wants and place your focus on serving your wife. This means denying yourself. This is something we are called to do if serve Christ, Matthew 16:24  “Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” In Matthew 27:26-50 you can read the full description of what Jesus went through on the way to His crucifixion. Betrayal, being mocked, being whipped, being punched, screamed at, spat on, then finally nailed to wood with rusty spikes. It is said that He was not even recognizable as a man as He hung there gasping for breath as His own body crushed his lungs. Read these excerpts from Isaiah and reflect on what He gave up, and reflect on what you are, or are not, giving up to love your bride like He loves us:

He was despised and forsaken of men,

A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;

And like one from whom men hide their face

He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.

Surely our griefs He Himself bore,

And our sorrows He carried;

Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken,

Smitten of God, and afflicted.

But He was pierced through for our transgressions,

He was crushed for our iniquities;

The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him,

And by His scourging we are healed.

(Isaiah 53:3-12 exerpts)

What are you giving up for her? “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” The overwhelming burden is on us. Time to man up and love her right. What are her needs? What makes her feel cared for? What makes her feel safe? What make her feel loved? This may be a conversation that you need to intentionally have with her. You may want to call for an Umbrella Of Mercy conversation and make time to ask her about her specific needs and wants and dreams. After that conversation, I encourage you to actively start filling those wants and needs, serve her. It may cost you but isn’t a fulfilling marriage worth giving up a football game, a round of golf, extra hours at work or night out with the boys? How can you love her as He loves us?

Now I am sure the question has crossed your mind, “What about her doing things for me, what about my needs, my wants, my dreams?” Again, focus on what you can control, yourself. Serve first, deny yourself, pour yourself out for her. And don’t forget that next week my wife will be telling her some hard things. We know there are two sides, but we also know that both sides need to be focused 100% on the other person. While we are not perfect, Jen and I tell people that a good relationship happens when we are focused on serving each other, only then are both people being cared for on many levels. Let’s get back to it, there is more to look at.

…having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,..(verse 26)

Washing of water with the word, what a strange phrase. As far as my studying can reveal it means to shower with or let the word wash over like water. In every day language, read, talk about, study, meditate on the word with your wife. Do a devotional together. If you and your wife have separate times where you read the bible and pray, as we do, then come together and share with each other what you are learning. In the book of John Jesus is described as being the Word, we should be learning and sharing all we can about Him with each other. It is where you find a strong spiritual connection with your wife and where you will find practical ways to serve and love one another. This is also where you will find strength and examples of how to continue your battle against your will and selfishness. I am encouraged to know that even Jesus, while experiencing the anguish of the journey toward the cross battled His very human will, and brought it under submission to God, in Luke 22:41-42 we read, “And he withdrew from them about a stone's throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” Loving is hard, sacrificing is hard, even our Savior struggled with it, but God will give you the strength in the battle against your will. It is by washing in His word with your wife that you will find unity and strength.

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, (verses 28-33)

Let’s just handle the middle chunk first, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” First, leave your mother and father. Move out of the basement, work hard to support yourself and your wife, place her wants needs and desires above your parents, again there may need to be talk with clear communication and boundaries set stating that she, your wife, is now your main priority and responsibility. Trust me, if she doesn’t come first in your life then the second part about becoming one flesh isn’t going to happen often or well. Prioritize her and she may prioritize you, you filthy animal. Ok, one flesh equals sex, lesson over.

The verses that discuss loving her as we love ourselves deal with you loving her as you love your own body. Leaning on the teaching of much smarter teachers than I, like Chuck Swindoll, John MacArthur and Mike Fabaraz, this refers to how we just naturally care for ourselves, we feed ourselves, we provide shelter for ourselves, we clothe ourselves, we clean ourselves, we watch out for our safety. Many teachers try and twist this to a higher sense of self love, meaning that we esteem ourselves or lift ourselves up or prioritize ourselves in some way. That would be wrong. It would also be what God hates the most, pride (this will be another topic in the future). For our wives it means that we look out for them just as we would ourselves, we care for them in physical, emotional and spiritual ways. Be a good provider, be a good protector, be dangerous to the physical world you live in and the spiritual one we fight in (Jordan Peterson has a great video on why we should be dangerous, https://youtu.be/v0YCyZ8l-gQ). Fight on all these fronts for her as you would yourself.

Let’s look at this, “ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” (verse 32) This almost feels out of place, mentioned in passing, but I think what Paul was intending to point out is that marriage is to reflect the relationship of Christ and the church in the area of being one, unified. When the whole picture is put together we are supposed to see one thing, Christ and us in him. He leads, we follow by obeying Him and doing what He says, our wives follow us as we follow Him and serve both Him and her. Similar to her submitting to us we don’t submit to God out of force, demands or just because He is bigger and more powerful than us. We submit because we were loved first, (John 3:16, Philippians 2:4-8), we were chosen (Ephesians 1:3-6), and we are constantly and eternally wanted and forgiven (2 Peter 3:9, Psalm 103:12). And that is where I would like to wrap this up for us, forgiveness.

Marriage is two very imperfect people trying to live as one person. There is no way to do that without a bottomless well of forgiveness, I know because my wife has almost tapped her well of forgiveness out for me! Christ showed His love for us by providing the only way ever to fully forgive us and bring us into eternal fellowship with Him. If our failing stood in between God and us we could never be in relationship with Him. If we allow the failings, unmet expectations and imperfections of wives to stand between us, to be our focus, then we will never have a unified relationship with her. You must forgive. And you must forgive the way that Christ does, completely, so completely that you can never dredge it up during a disagreement or even in passing conversation or in a teasing or restful way. Contrary to some popular beliefs, forgiving does mean forgetting. Honestly, how can it not. If you allow yourself to remember or reflect on it then you invite the hurt feelings back in. Also if you do not forget then you’re expending energy defending yourself, getting ready for the hit again. If you are doing that you can not be open, loving and focused on your wife and her needs. Again, it is a battle against your self, your sense of rights, your desires. Christ example is to put it all down, pour it all out.

In review, you set the spiritual temperature, leading her to Christ. You must give yourself up, all of you. You need to do this before she deserves it or earns it. You need to wash her in the word, yourself as well. Love her as you do yourself, protect, provide and be committed to her. Lastly, forgive her, often and completely.

Let me ask you a question. What woman would ever have any trouble submitting to a man who denied himself for her, put her needs above his, provided for her, prayed with her, studied the Bible with her, provided for her, prioritized her and her needs and dreams, protected her, and forgave her mistakes?

One of my favorite thoughts when thinking about Jesus example of loving his church is that the way up is actually down. Serve, serve well, serve with all you have. That is how we love her as He loves the church.

I promise, no, God promises, if you love this way you will have deep and fulfilling and unified marriage that reflects Him to the world. In return you will get love from a genuine place, your needs will be met, your dreams will be reachable, you will have a supportive wife who cherishes you, respects you, lifts you up and helps you in every way imaginable. I know, because I have a wife like that and I only get this stuff right about 62.3% of the time (probably lower if you ask her). But, she loves me, serves me, respects me, honors me and brings me joy, fulfillment and honey do lists.

Love you guys! Let’s man up and love her right!