The Brokenness Around Us

My heart is broken today. It is fractured by what I see all around me. At least it feels like it’s all around me. I see, talk to and know so many lonely people. So many who are abandoned, who have unmet needs, who have instability and fear. So many feel unloved, unworthy, unsure. I know this sounds like it could be anyone but these are specific people. These people thought they would never be alone again, they would have most of their needs met, they thought they would feel valued, loved and needed. They had such confidence because the people who were supposed to care, supposed to value, supposed to support, encourage and provide stability are so close. They live in the same house, they eat at the same table, they sleep less than a foot away in the same bed. These people are married.

Unfulfilling and empty or full of strife and bitterness, these marriages break my heart. Before I really crack this open to take a look at this heart wrenching problem let me talk about our, Jen and I, qualifications to do so. If you are like me you don’t really want to hear from some expert who has a head stuffed full of book knowledge and no experience. I want information, guidance and support from someone who has the scars, bruises and cuts that come from being in the trenches.

So, four score and twenty years….just kidding, twenty five years ago I sweated in a rented tuxedo, in a small outdoor venue surrounded by thorn bushes to prevent escape, I mean beautiful rose bushes and flowers, and watched the prettiest girl I had ever seen walk toward me to begin our life together. While the wedding was almost as beautiful as my bride I want to provide you quick snap shots of the years since. As a backdrop you should know that Jen and I come from divorced families, so we went in wanting something different. Within our first year we jumped in to ministry, leading small groups and training other leaders. After a year we moved 500 miles away and planted a church with dear friends, there wasn’t a hat we didn’t wear in ministry, at the same time we started our first business, remodeling and handyman services, and I thought that was excellent time to get serious about college. We tried to start a family. My precious wife lost her first baby, then another, then three more. We bought a house, I poured my heart and soul into remodeling it and make it a house for my family, my wife made it a home. Then we had our first born, and 18 months later our second. Before, during and after the pregnancies my wife dealt with tumors, problems with her ovaries, hormones, surgeries, a hysterectomy. In the middle of that a recession hit, we lost our home. We moved. We moved out of state. We raised our girls, they moved out. We have made bad financial choices, we have made good ones. We have been on the same page with parenting, and on different pages. We have listened and loved, we have yelled and cussed, we have stayed, we have stormed off (never for long). And in between all of these things there has been more. Most importantly during all of these things there has been Jesus, His presence, our faith, and His words to guide and bind us together. It was in this crazy life that the phrase Umbrella of Mercy was born. It is not mine originally and I can not remember where I heard it or read it but it stuck, whoever said it first, thank you. More on that another time. So, there it is. These are our credentials in short form. We have been in the trenches of marriage for twenty five years, at times muddy and deep, surrounded by thorns, at other times beautiful, lush and surrounded by flowers.   

Our marriage is second only to our relationship with Christ. It is something high on our list to take care of. I think when most of us get married initially it is high on all of our priority list to care for. Then, life. You don’t need the list of worries, responsibilities and concerns that take their toll almost as soon as you cross your threshold after the honeymoon. In all of that stuff our intentionality gets distracted and refocused. It is this intentionality that Jen and I are passionate about. How do we intentionally hold on to our love, our infatuation, our original purpose for joining together? What were we built on? What dreams drove us, bound us together? Most importantly, what did God have in mind bringing us together? What does He say to do with our union? I bet there are some secrets buried in His instruction to us that will help keep the cords that bind us strong, that can ignite the flame we once had. We would love to explore these questions with you and help you find the spark, the life, the passion that you may have lost or that life may have caused to dwindle. Over the next three weeks we would like to talk to you under our Umbrella of Mercy. Here we can talk about hard things, being honest and open and work on real change that can bring us closer to each other and closer to our loving Father.

So, here is the plan, today let’s look at God’s idea for bringing you and yours together, next week I will take the men out behind the barn and have a little “chitty-chat” as my wife says, finally Jen will speak her heart to the women and encourage and love on them and all that fluffy stuff. Please feel free to converse with us, reach out, disagree or add to the conversation. We will respond. Okay? Let’s go.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31, Genesis 2:24,

Oh man, down boys! Yes this verse refers to sexual intimacy, however there is a more profound reference. It has to do with unity, of everything. An author over at GotQuestions.org sums it up nicely, “Of course, oneness in marriage reaches far beyond the physical level. The original Hebrew word translated as “flesh” refers to much more than a person’s physical or sexual composition. It relates to the whole human existence. The biblical view of “one flesh” communicates a unity that covers every facet of a couple’s joint lives as husband and wife. In marriage, two whole lives unite together as one emotionally, intellectually, financially, spiritually, and in every other way. The “two shall become one” in purpose. They are so close that they function like one person, balancing each other’s strengths and weaknesses so that together they can fulfill their God-given calling.” (https://www.gotquestions.org/the-two-shall-become-one-flesh.html) Additionally becoming one flesh also refers to taking two separate lives, identities and bodies and creating oneness out of them, culminating usually in a literal “new person” in the form of children. In all ways that it is defined, ultimately becoming one flesh translates to unifying two people, a man and a woman, together, in order to go through life as one. Jesus placed more emphasis on this bond by adding “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” At the end of Mark 10:6-9 and Matthew 19:4-6.

It is clear then that God intended Unity for your marriage. No longer are you just living for and unto yourself, everything is to be joined in unity. In the upcoming weeks we will look at the “how to” build this unity from both people involved. As a little glimpse though, be prepared to fight selfishness tooth, nail and spirit!

Next are a couple of things we will not dive into very deeply. Children are obviously part of God’s plan for marriage (Genesis 1:28), just as much as having a unified mother and father is His plan for children. Perhaps in the future we will discuss the impact of marriage on our kids but for now I just wanted to mention it. For many reasons though, we understand that not everyone will have children. That is strictly between them, God, and their circumstances. Another purpose of marriage is to keep people from lust and sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 7:1-40). Marriage is God’s intended venue for sexual expression and satisfaction and sex is beautiful and fulling there (Proverbs 5:18-19, Hebrews 13:4, Song Of Solomon). While these are a few specific intentions that God has for marriage I believe that they can be viewed through both His intended Unity in these things and in our next intention from Him, to be a reflection of His relationship with us, namely His Church.

Let’s spend a little time looking at this relationship between God and His church. To begin, who makes up the church? Well in short, all who not just believe in Jesus (even the demons believe in Him, James 2:19) but those who also love and obey Him (John 14:15, James 2:14-26), this too will be a separate future discussion. In several places the church is referred to as a Bride for Christ. (Ephesians 5:25-27, 2 Corinthians 11:2, Revelations 19:7-9) In our marriages God intends for the world to witness His relationship with us. Nowhere else can a display of service, forgiveness, unconditional love, sacrifice, and mercy be seen as clearly as in marriage. Why? Because it takes all of those things for two imperfect beings to stay together, to fulfill each other, to walk through and uplift one another in this life and all of it’s pain, disappointment, challenges, responsibilities and darkness. If you and your spouse intentionally, by God’s grace and power, do things to protect and build your unity, you will be a light. A bright light in a dark and lonely world. You will learn to dream and boldly pursue those dreams together, you will learn to have joy, not just happiness, but joy in the middle of loss, in the face of poverty, and even just during the dull grind of daily living. You will have hope no matter how dire the circumstances. You will not feel lonely, abandoned, unloved, unworthy, as a matter of fact you will feel valued, needed, wanted, and stable. And that is how we should feel in our relationship with God. So not only is is a beautiful reflection of His relationship with us to the world, but it is a very real and tangible display of His love to us.

This is what we want for you, what God wants for you, a unity that is deep, impactful and transformative that reflects God’s love for you and us to the rest of the world. Won’t you sit and think and talk about this with us? Is something you need or see a need for around you? As I close today I want to first say how thankful I am for my bride, Jen. We have definitely not been perfect at this, but she has been intentional at being unified with me and I am so blessed to have her. Babe, wrap this up and share a few thoughts with our readers:

Many of us can imagine back to our childhood when we pictured our wedding and we may have some preconceived ideas what married life was going to look like. I can tell you that reality set in over these last 25 plus years and it doesn’t look much like I thought.  It has been harder and more painful in some ways but it also has been more beautiful, meaningful and deep than I thought possible.  As Scott mentioned above, we have been through some hard things in our marriage and while we didn’t always see eye to eye, we always, ALWAYS, had each other’s back.   We are a team in every sense of the word so much so that we are business partners and have been so most of our marriage.  Unity.

Have you heard the saying marriage is 50/50?  I do not agree with that statement at all.  I believe marriage is 100/100.  I also believe we need to be servants first.  Hang with me and hear me out…If I give my best to Scott and do my best to ensure his needs are met and he does the same, we are both served well.  Our needs are met and most of the time, our needs are exceeded.  If we are servants first, our perspective shifts from being selfish to being Christ like.  Mistakes happen, forgiveness happens, communication happens and we learn and grow with one another over time and as our needs change.   

We are looking forward to sharing more with you in the coming weeks as we look at the practical ways to apply God’s design in our marriages.